whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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