She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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