How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Buhtt sex?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
