I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
