1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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