So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
