So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
