I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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