Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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