I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize