allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
