I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
This baby is an asshole
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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