that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
