Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
