If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
