I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
