You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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