Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
