I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
