Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
