I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
