I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
