Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
