fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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