And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
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Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
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Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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