Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He felt like a one man threesome
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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