i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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