Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
