Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
