I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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