i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
