So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
