If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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