Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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