Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
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Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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