it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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