Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
