god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
