I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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