Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize