Im at strip club and am horny
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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