just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
