Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
