I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
