I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
