Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
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