I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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