i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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