Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
