oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
