He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just had sex on a roof
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
