You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
