I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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