What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
