Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
