this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
