If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
