I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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