Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
