Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
