i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
