I want to stick my p in your. b.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
